*In a Family Portrait, We look pretty "Happy"*

Havent been having the best week. And as positive as i have been acting, I am starting to crumble in the middle and fall apart.

I dont understand people and that upsets me, I try to understand but sometimes i just cannot agree with what they are saying. I have never been a follower and people telling me to do something just because "I SHOULD" doesnt make me want to learn or do it.

Ended up upsetting my dad last night. Seems i am upsetting people all the time OR more commonly they are guilt tripping me which really sucks.

I dont think family or friends should guilt trip you. I think thats just a low act to make you feel better and by them playing games you make me question who i am and what i am doing and i find myself appologising for other peoples issues and i really cant be bothered.

Sometimes i dont think people understand compassion and space. I wish things were black and white but they are not. Nothing in life is black and white, I cannot think that way. I cannot block out all the Gray that i have seen in life and just follow a group and pretend that its all ok?

And why should i? I dont think i should. I dont think i should have to deal with your insecurities when its aimed at me with a guilt trip.

So i have decided i am not going to say sorry for things i havent done wrong. I am not going to run after everyone and let them walk all over me. I am not going to be the social butterfly, the one that organises everything and the one trying to make everyone happy.

Because alot of the time my friends and family dont do this for me. They dont care if i am happy or well? They just like to bitch when i dont see them or havent done something. Well welcome to my world.

Between finding out who i am, working, growing up, cancer, death, illness and all the other things that have been happening in my life... Where were you?

"Im always here for you if you need me" ??? you cant just say those things. You cant just make yourself feel like your an awesome person and that your "There" for me when i need you, If you are not There for me at all...

I made my dad upset last night, and I HATE upsetting people, and i couldnt sleep and i feel like crap now. And you know what the funny yhing is i didnt do anything wrong. It was his regret from actions he had made and done yet i still feel guilt?

You know what im honest. We talk and ill tell you the truth. I didnt mean to upset you and i hate that i did but i cant change how you feel for actions you made.

I need to back away and not care so much about what happens. I need to step back from all the people who judge me or guilt me or annoy me.

I need people to care half as much as what i do!
-XoXo
Me