*And as i walk away, I remember hearing you say "Yeah you'll be back" But i didnt come back DID I*

Im feeling a bit better than what i was yesterday and the day before.

Acturally spoke with mum last night which was good. Im still really worried about her but i dont want to rock the boat just now. I just hope she is really ok.

Have decided not to think about my friends at the moment. As cold as that sounds... I think its about time they did the running around for a change.

Im really hurt. I cant change that and i dont think i will forget this.
The worst possible thing was thrown in my face yesterday and apart of me finally gave up and let go.

I care, and because i do its so easy to throw it in my face and walk away as if nothing happened. It was pretty much the worst thing they could have said and althought time heals all wounds i wont quickly forget that.

Spoke with Sammy, Jane and Donna (Omg i would be so lost without those girls) and also my beautiful boy Dave, and they really calmed me down. All i needed was a sanity check. I needed someone to listen to me so i could get it off my chest. And after 10 mins i felt great.

I was going to cancel my plans for Friday night. Because as much as it hurts i know that everyone will cancel. The sad part is that i acturally have to have an "Event" for my friends to get together and catch up.

The only reason i organised it was because i wanted to see my friends, and its like it doesnt matter to them which sucks. But the point it i was going to cancel, But then i realised if i cancelled it... I would be just as bad as those who cancelled on me....

Why should i cancel on my amazing girls who said yes and have stuck to their decision!
Thats not fair of me to do that.

So i am still going to have it on friday and i am going to have a good time with my friends, Im so glad that Dave, Sam, Jane and Donna spoke to me because i see it all so clear now.

Im hurt. But there is no point inflicting that on the ones who are there for me.
Im trying to get happy again.

I decided to cancel things this week, so that come next week i can start over.
So this week i am doing all the little things i need to get done.

*Finished my passport last night (Getting photo and Person to sign it on Monday).
*cleaned my room.
*Did the washine.
*Straightened the Lounge room.

Come next week i am going to get back into my routine, Work, Gym and holiday planning.
And i am going to say NO! no to all the things that dont matter. I need to! I think as long as i am always saying yes to my friends and events that gives them more reasons to cancel on me all the time.

So maybe i say no so that they might acturally see or catch up with me.
I have far to much on my mind anyways. (Not that they know it).

In someways writting is more a friend to me, it listens thats all i need... Heck if my journal could write back "its going to be ok" i think i would be set. Thats all i need is a bit of support.

Maybe thats to much? I dont know???
I dont see it as to much but maybe thats because i am the "Listener Role" i listen, People vent at me and i am suppose to listen but when its reveresed its not the same way...
I need it to be a 2 way street.

Thanks for listening :)
XOXO